Are Relationships Struggles Normal?

Couples often enter counselling in a tense place. They wonder whether the relationship will be okay. Will counselling help or make things harder? If this is you, you are not alone. Reaching out for couples counselling is both the hardest and the bravest thing you can do.

Relationship struggles are normal.

What’s important is what you do in the struggle. If you suffer in silence, you might build up resentment. You might begin to struggle with your mental health or grow bitter. It is common that small ruptures and fractures begin the slow decline of relationships. The good news here, is that it can often take small repetitive re connective practices to reconnect and rebuild your relationship.

Rituals of connection are a non-negotiable in your relationship.

Rituals of connection can often be the first thing to go. They are simple, often small, yet powerful ways to be reminded of why you appreciate, love and respect your partner. Rituals of connection don’t take a lot of energy, but they do take intention. Can you think of any rituals of connection that you and your partner practice?

Examples of rituals of connection includes a hug before leaving for the day, a kiss before bed or going to bed together. It could be calling on your way home from work to say I love you, or to debrief the day before stepping in the door. (If you have kids, this can be a helpful 5 minute conversation so you each know how the other is doing before reuniting in a possibly hungry, overstimulated household.) Another way to connect is to play a game – distraction free, and face to face. Crib is a great one.

Can you plan a weekly or bi-weekly game of crib?

Rituals for connection are healthy and helpful because they connect you with your partner repeatedly. These moments are met bids for connection. When a bid for connection is met, your nervous system is reminded that this is a person you love. This is a person you feel safe with.

You can come to anticipate and expect connection.

When you connect on a regular basis, you have an opportunity repair if need be. You can apologize, you can enter into a restorative moment without it having to be a big deal. This might be part of how you set up your rituals for connection. Rituals for connection, leading to deposits in the emotional bank account, leads to an increased sense of emotional connection.

This cultivates resilience within your relationship. This resilience typically means that repair – apologizing can become part of the culture of your relationship, just as appreciation is.

Struggles in any relationship does not mean your relationship is necessarily on the rocks, but it is important to address those struggles before they become significant roadblocks. If you’re looking for support, I offer both a Gottman approach, and I integrate emotion-focused and attachment based approaches to my work with clients. I invite you to reach out for in-person or online counselling support in the Langley, BC area.