Moving from Friction to Connection – Is Relationship Conflict Actually Bad?

Couples often begin to attend counselling because there’s been a rupture, or possibly because they have noticed things getting worse for some time. If this sounds familiar, maybe you can’t put your finger on what’s gone wrong but you know there’a been a shift and it doesn’t feel good. You might report your relationship has really changed – or at least it feels like it has and the tension or friction that’s there, is unwelcome. However, you don’t know what to do about it.

Relationship conflict isn’t necessarily bad, but you want to focus on moving from friction to connection.

Studies actually show us that it’s not necessarily that you fight or how, that speaks to the health of your relationship (though of course this matters when contempt or abuse is involved). A key relationship health indicator is how you repair. Or, whether you repair. Often the practice of repairing a disagreement or creating connection after rupture, is under-practiced.

There are many reasons that repair leading to connection, can feel uncomfortable.

Your family of origin may not have modelled what healthy repair looks like. Maybe your parents never fought (that you saw), so you never witnessed repair. Possibly, there was explosive arguing and no reconciliation of any sort afterward. It’s common that individuals can recall the fight but then only remember that no one talked about the rupture, or it seemed things were brushed under the rug. Any of these are possibly what you and your spouse/partner now use in the context of connection after friction.

If you’ve never had repair modelled to you – it’s not your fault, yet it is now your responsibility to seek healthy (re)connection with your spouse/partner. This practice can be both hard and also healing. You can restore how you both define and experience your relationship and rather than navigate away from the pain of friction, you might notice that you can become comfortable (over time!) to shift it into a connecting experience.

Couples who practice healthy repair experience more satisfaction in their relationship and they feel more secure.

So how do you move from friction to connection How can you shift the possible belief that relationship conflict is bad? The first part is probably just that…can you be curious to shift your narrative or feelings around conflict? This might take time – and experience. You can’t just shift your perspective from conflict being bad to conflict being good, or even acceptably okay. I wonder whether you can notice what part of conflict feels the worst to you?

Often the disconnection experienced between partners during and after conflict is the worst.

Humans are wired for connection. You need it. When connection feels jeopardized, your nervous system likely responds in ways that feel scary – whether it’s because of the conflict you are currently in, or past experiences. If you had the right language or some new tools, do you think you could be open to shifting your perspective? What if we start with a definition of connection and what it is…

Connection happens when you experience trust and closeness.

Briefly, three ingredients (of many) might be helpful to you. The first is trust. What does trust mean to you? You might have a complicated relationship with trust and yet it is a pillar to a healthy relationship. Trusting someone doesn’t mean they won’t let you down or hurt you (unintentionally). But it does mean that when that happens, you know you can share with them what you have experienced. And, you can trust them to hold space for you to do this without reacting. Rather, you can know your spouse/partner will feel things about this and hold your feedback well.

The second ingredient that can help you move from friction to connection is honesty. If you don’t trust your partner/spouse to sit with you through hard conversations, thoughts and feelings, it will be hard to trust. Honesty can feel uncomfortable when you know what you have to share is hard.

Humour.

Enough said! When did you and your spouse/partner last laugh together? Do you remember when you last did that fun thing you used to do when you dates? Can you allow yourself to settle humour. People who can use humour well, and as a connector, are usually emotionally healthy. They are creative and they are empathetic. Humour isn’t going to keep you together but it sure can powerfully change how you connect!

The goal in your relationship isn’t to be without conflict, rather it’s how to repair well. If you’re curious about how to invest in your relationship in this way, I welcome you to reach out and book a consultation call. You might find some couples counselling to be helpful! I offer in-person and online appointments in Langley, and any where in BC. I’d love to connect!