Why You Keep Apologizing When You’ve Done Nothing Wrong
Apologizing is something parents often teach their children. I believe repair – which can apologizing – is a healthy part of any relationship. Some individuals, however, can seemingly over-apologize. Does this sound familiar to you? Do you feel you apologize often or take more than your share of the responsibility? Is apologizing a frontline approach or a knee jerk reaction. It might curious to notice what’s under this for you.
If you keep apologizing when you’ve done nothing wrong, it might be curious to notice what’s under that response.
If you’ve had a traumatic experience leaving you feel emotionally unsafe, your need to take responsibility makes sense. The felt sense that you are disproportionally responsible for others or others’ needs, often suggests it wasn’t okay for you to not be okay. It could mean that you are familiar with an environment where others weren’t held responsible but you were…whether you should have been or not.
Emotional safety is lacking when you could not express your emotions – and it is okay. When others were uncomfortable with your expression of emotion, or they retaliated. If you were punished for being happy, sad, angry, afraid or any other emotion you were not emotionally safe.
Sometimes being punished or made fun of for having and expressing emotions can cultivate shame. 
Shame feels awful. It can leave you feeling less than, or worthless. It can lead to depression, anxiety and some other trauma-related struggles. If this resonates with you, I am sorry your experiences have led you to this. And it makes sense that you’ve been left to feel this way. Shame is an awful emotion. Shame, however, can leave you feeling like you’re not enough. It is a deeply rooted experience that feels very lonely. Shame is more of an identity based emotion, as opposed to guilt (which often feels similar) which is more of an action-based emotion. Guilt says, I did a bad thing.
Shame says, I am bad.
If shame is something that feels familiar to you, it’s possible that it results from adverse experiences from the past. While these experiences are from the past, they often feel very present. The charge that comes with the awful feeling of shame is deep rooted, and can be long lasting. If you notice you continue to apologize for yourself, it may also be very familiar. Shame feels awful and it is something you don’t have to continue to live with. It does make sense though, if you feel the ongoing need to apologize for yourself and others, that shame could be at the heart of what’s causing you to do this.
If you’d like to begin to navigate healing your shame, your need to apologize when you’ve done nothing wrong, or simply process traumatic experiences please reach out. I offer in-person counselling appointments in the Langley area, or online anywhere in BC. I’m a trauma informed counsellor who connects with individuals and couples. You’re welcome to book a complimentary consultation or a first appointment. I’d love to connect with you.
