Why Shame Keeps You Stuck
You might be familiar with the word shame. It’s possible you can say you’ve felt shame through your life. Or even, you might not recall a time shame wasn’t a part of your everyday lived experience. It’s a tricky emotion and it’s often birthed out of developmental experience.
You might wonder why shame keeps you stuck?!
Shame and guilt are often interchanged when clients share an emotional experience or response. They are different though and the distinction is important from an emotional processing experience. They can feel similar, but if you understand the difference you might begin to notice feeling them differently.
Shame is identity related.
When you experience shame or, when you’re in shame you feel inherently bad. As in, in your identity as a human you are “bad”. Shame is very identity based. It often comes from family of origin experience when someone who may (or may not!) have meant well, said something that for some reason deeply struck you. 
When you’re in shame you might feel small, worthless or like there’s no way to get out. Shame feels exhausted. It can feel hopeless because again, it’s identity based. So, if you’re “bad” what does that mean for your future? If your children cause you to struggle and you’re in shame, you probably feel you can’t be a mother or father. You feel not only inadequate but like you’re not enough for them. Shame is awful.
Guilt is action related.
While guilt can also feel heavy, because it’s more action based it feels more like I “did” a bad thing. Can you see the difference. If you did a bad thing, guilt is a natural response to that. And, because it’s action based, you won’t be stuck in a cycle, as you might be with, or in, shame.
Guilt can at times be motivating. It can move you to change something – a habit, a pattern, a choice. You can feel a little agency – the ability to influence change from your own self.
Shame develops as a defence mechanism to protect you from feeling rejected or vulnerable within close relationships. The childhood experiences you may have endured which left you experiencing shame include internalized messaging. These internalized messages include ones relating to your work and your (in)adequacy.
These are messages and experiences no child should ever experience.
In the world of emotion focused therapy (EFT), we might say that sometimes these experiences were more acts of omission than overt communication. Acts of omission are things or experiences that you did not get, rather than bad things that happen to you. The impossible part with acts of omission is that often the wounded person doesn’t know they have happened.
An example of this is the person who feels unlovable or again, worthless. That same person may be confused because their family of origin said they loved each other. The person had basic human needs met. A felt sense of warmth and acceptance was missing. Physical touch such as hugs were missing.
Acts of omission are power experiences which can result in shame.
Shame is a disconnecting emotion. When you’re in shame, you don’t want to be in relationship – or feel you aren’t good enough for particular relationships. (Not good enough is a marker of shame.)
Shame does it’s best work when you are in isolation.
Empathy is a connector and a powerful agent in helping heal shame. When you can enter – and be in a relationship with another person who is empathetic, you can begin to heal your shame.
The therapy relationship is a beautiful space to begin healing your shame. That relationship is ideally comforting, safe, accepting and non-judgemental – unconditionally. You can begin yourself and feel seen and worth – and this does take time. 
You can begin to cultivate an experience of what a secure attachment feels like. You can develop new patterns of emotional experiences. I invite you to consider how this might positively influence your life and your relationships. Healing your attachment wounds and saying goodbye to shame is freeing and it is absolutely something you can experience
If you’d like to begin healing your shame and journeying to a healthier emotional space, I invite you to reach out. I’d love to connect with you in-person in the Langley area, or anywhere in BC virtually! Please book your appointment today.
