Is Relationship Conflict Bad?

If you can think of a relationship you used to have and don’t anymore, it may be because of conflict in the relationship. Whether it was an ex- partner, spouse, family member or friend, it hurts. Maybe it’s maddening or even just frustrating. You might even feel confused! It’s common to believe (and feel) that conflict is not good.

I wonder if we can pause for a moment to be curious whether all relationship conflict is bad?

While it can feel really uncomfortable, that does not mean it’s doom and gloom. Often, conflict means that there was something to the relationship. Something meaningful. In some way, shape or form the relationship held value to you. It was important.

Many people did not (or have not) witnessed healthy conflict. The important thing here is that it isn’t necessarily the conflict in and of itself that is harmful, it’s how it is expressed. If you pause for a moment, be curious about how your saw conflict growing up? Another way to approach this is to reflect on what you witnessed.

It is common to misunderstand conflict as stonewalling, people-pleasing (giving in), minimizing or avoidance.

While those are definitely ways to witness or experience conflict and fighting, those are unhealthy ways. Psychologist Jody Carrington would suggest that conflict is often a sign that something matters – not that something is wrong. Let’s let that settle in for a moment.

Conflict indicates that something matters.

What do you notice about yourself (maybe your feelings, thoughts or what you notice in your body) as you read those words? Again, conflict can often indicate that something matters – it is or was important.

The “thing” that matters could be the relationship, the person, or maybe the situation for example. If you think about who you most often enter into conflict with, it’s likely the people you love the most. So, knowing you deeply care for these people does that shift anything for you? Perhaps you care enough that you don’t want to lose the person or fracture the relationship.

Fear might be driving some of your response.

Fear is not bad! However, it can bring up some pretty big reactions. If I can share with you that it’s okay to fight in a relationship. In fact, it’s not even abnormal. It’s whether repair happens that’s important. Do you know how to repair a relationship – reconnect – during or after conflict?

Research shows that the healthiest relationships aren’t the ones void of conflict, but rather the ones where repair happens well.

How do you reconnect with someone when you need to repair? Here are a few thoughts to help you begin the process. (And sidenote, when you get familiar with the process, it becomes easier and you can do it more quickly.)

Before you consider repair, have you calmed down? If you’re not regulated, you’re not going to have access to the best parts of yourself. Those best parts are the ones that keep you calm and engaged, responsive and not reactive. Emotional regulation is key to good conversations. (Hint: emotional regulation is how to not lose your ever loving mind!)

The hardest part of conflict is that it often involves a lot of emotional dysregulation. So, if you can stay more regulated you stand a chance of having a healthier conversation or engaging in repair. To enter into repair, you have to be able to shift from defensiveness to curiosity.

What do you notice when you read the opposing words, defensiveness and curiosity?

They truly are quite different and they really do lead to different outcomes. Defensiveness in your nervous system will keep you in a place of self0protection, not connection. You will want to do anything you can to feel safe…typically that does not mean an openness to moment.

When you stay curious, you gain access to those best parts of yourself. Those are the parts that keep you in hard conversations. Hard and curious conversations. This is the birthplace of repair and understanding.

You cannot give away what you haven’t received and often counselling is a beautiful space to learn differently. When you bring the best part of yourself to your relationships, you benefit everyone – but in particular you. If you are currently experiencing conflict in your relationship(s) and you’d like support in how to navigate this, reach out! I’d love to connect with you.