When Being Independent Is Actually a Trauma Response

I recently saw a meme on social media that said something along the lines of, if you were always the mature, independent child, how is your job as a doctor, lawyer or counsellor going? I chuckled, but there is some truth to this. While it’s absolutely not always the independent ones who take on these heavier vocations, independence is often a learned skill. There are absolutely times when being independent may actually be a trauma response.

How might independence be reflective of trauma?

If you grew up in a home where you experienced neglect or another type of abuse, you likely didn’t experience being cared for, well. Perhaps it wasn’t safe to say you needed help, or you weren’t okay. It’s possible you couldn’t express emotions or needs. Your caregivers may have been home, or at least around from time to time. You may have had food, access to education and financial support. However, this doesn’t equate to receiving the type of care children need. Universally, all children need love, care, a soft place to not be okay and a safe place to be themselves. To know there is a trusted adult, cultivates safety in a home. Trust equates not just to reliance but also the experience of safety.

Safety is experienced not just physically. It is emotional, psychological and relational. Failure to experience safety in any of these areas can leave a child feeling very alone. It is also an act of omission…the omission is the lacking of these experiences. This is trauma.

It’s likely you learned that other people – regardless of their connection or relation to you – cannot be trusted. You may have learned that the only person who is there for you at all times, is yourself. Possibly, you learned how to meet all of your own needs, or how to minimize your need for, or of others. This is such a painful experience for children (for anyone, really!). If this resonates, I’m sorry you had to go through such a difficult experience as a young person.

Your own (need for) independence may have eventually become not only familiar but what you know to be safe.

Trust is a deeply influential part of independence and inter-dependence. If you learned it’s unsafe to trust others – or that others are unsafe, trust might have been missing in your developmental experience. If you learned that the adults who should have been safe were not, when you were a child, then it makes sense that you might not believe anyone is trustworthy. This makes sense…and it likely fuels your desire, need, or practice of independence.

Being an independent person – often praiseworthy – can also make it hard to receive help or support for others. You might consider it weak or vulnerable. Vulnerability likely feels very scary because again, you could never trust prayer with these more raw emotions growing up. The struggle with this is that humans are biologically wired for connection. You need others in order not just to thrive, but in fact, to survive. So withdrawing or declining support, can leave you feeling lonely. Cultivating inter-personal relationships is key to a healthy life. If you’re stuck in an inability to trust, or receive support from others this isn’t healthy independence.

This may mean you’ve had a traumatic experience.

Healing, beginning to notice and name your need for independence, is a small but significant starting place. When you can begin to consider how your independence may be reflective of some of your adverse experiences, you can start to experience healing from your trauma. Eventually, you might be able to start shifting away from independence and into a curiosity around what connection or reception of support could be like.

It might feel uncomfortable or even a little scary, but in the context of a counselling relationship, you might begin to feel relief and shift into some healthier patterns. You may begin to feel lighter and open to what life could look like if you are less independent or more inter-dependent. If you’d like to explore some of your need for independence or some other relationship experiences, please reach out! I’d love to book an appointment with you. I offer daytime availability and offer in-person counselling in the Langley area or online anywhere in BC.