Why Is Co-Regulation Important?
Co-regulation is a word that’s made its way into our every day lives. Over a decade ago and you might not have heard or known what it means or how it is experienced. Co-regulation is a really powerful way to support other when they’re feeling overwhelmed by big emotions. So, why is co-regulation important?
Co-regulation happens in the context relationship.
This doesn’t mean you have to be close with someone to support them through co-regulation (or that they know you, to help you). It does mean that it is a relational process where two or more people are present. One of the powerful parts is that you’re not taking over or walking the overwhelmed person through anything. You’re simply helping them manage with their big emotions. These could be due to something that’s happening in the moment, a trigger, or a struggle to experience emotions.
When you’re co-regulating someone (or them you), there are three important ways to support them.
Staying calm. That might sound easy, but when someone’s deep into some big emotions you might have to work at it a little more. Alternatively, you might notice that what they are struggling with (or the way they are struggling) is quite foreign to you. Because of this, it might not be hard for you to remain calm. If you’re needing to stay calm, you might find that taking some deep breaths to be helpful. This will, in turn, support them in growing calmer. Their nervous system will track yours. Isn’t that amazing?!
When you can remain grounded, the other person has a better chance at doing the same.
Attunement is another important part of co-regulation. When you’re attuning to someone you’re distraction free. You might be making eye contact. Eye contact can keep the other person in the present moment. Often in a dysregulated moment, you’re in a different place. This place feels unsafe. It could be a physical environment, with an unsafe person, or simply (and powerfully) in the past. Being attuned to someone else is very grounding.
The more you’re attuned and grounded, the more you can be aware of the present. Attunement also communicates – both implicitly and explicitly – that you’re not alone. It often brings empathy through another. Empathy is a powerful connector, calmer, and ingredient in attunement. It says, you are not on your own in this, we are here together. As well, it communicates that you are feeling “with” the other person – again, pointing to removing some of their sense of aloneness.
When you’re attuned, to help with co-regulation you’re connecting with the other person’s emotional and body cues. Are they shaking? Perhaps they’re shut down and look really distant or even limp. Can you notice their words coming a mile-a-minute, or maybe they’re shut down can’t seem to get words out. Emotionally, you will also observe different things. This could include sobbing, an angry tone, silent tears, or may other emotive expressions.
When you can tune into the other person’s presence, keep yourself calm and connected, you will support them. You can co-regulate and help calm anxiety, overwhelm or many other dysregulated, distressed states. By doing this, you’re supporting the person in cultivating a sense of safety both within the relationship and also within the present moment. You’re saying to them, “it’s okay, we are safe”. You might be communicating this with or without actual words.
Your calm, connected and felt presence can be enough to convey more than words can.
The word and experience of co-regulation is often used with children – parents want to calm their children, or teachers want to connect with students. However, co-regulation is a practice that addresses developmental and adversity or trauma related to your own childhood. I often work with couples to resource them in co-regulation. Nervous systems don’t know chronological age and a felt sense of safety, connection and calm is powerful at any age.
I plan to share more about co-regulation and how it supports traumatic experiences (and healing), anxiety, shame and relationships. Please check back, for additional resourcing on what it looks like from a practical approach. And, if you feel this connects with you, co-regulation is something I navigate with clients. I’d love to connect with you, help you feel safe, seen and beginning your healing journey. I offer in-person counselling in Langley and online counselling appointments anywhere in BC.
