The Power of Repair In Your Relationship

If you’ve been in a sort of relationship for any amount of time, you’ve likely experienced some sort of rupture. A rupture is also known as a disagreement, bickering, argument, fight or simply a miscommunication. It’s possible you’re thinking to yourself that you and your friend or partner/spouse have never argued. If that’s the case, typically someone isn’t being fully honest. Alternatively, one person may be a peace-keeper or a people pleaser. Regardless, some conflict – big or small – isn’t the end of the world in any relationship.

It’s the power of repair in your relationship that speaks to its health and predictability of longevity.

John and Julie Gottman – founders of the Gottman Method for Couples Counselling have done extensive research. They’ve worked with people (couples) and the data found through relational dynamics and logistics of thousands of couples over decades. What they have concluded is that it’s not how you fight but how you repair the argument that really matters. (Of course there are exceptions, here.)

Repair does not mean one person gives in. It also doesn’t mean forgiveness right off the bat or if you don’t mean it. Repair and repair attempts are approaches to reconnection. These reconnection actions can be serious, humorous, tender, apologetic or anything in between. When you repair, you’re showing with words and maybe actions that you care about your friend/partner and want to reconnect.

Connection is powerful in your relationship.

Connection cultivates safety. When you feel safe, you can do your best reparative and reconnection work. Emotional regulation exists in the context of healthy, face-to-face repair and connection. You cannot do this on your own, and while sometimes it can feel easier to repair via text or using technology, ultimately this has to be done with another person. Human contact is something that is decreasing in recent years, in particular with how screens have infiltrated much of life.

Another reason repair is so powerful is that it communicates a desire to reduce the negativity or the negative sentiments and feelings in your relationship. When you reach out to repair, your actions speak volumes. Being willing to do the work, to sit in an uncomfortable space and to mend what is hurt is hard. This is what makes relationships though.

Healthy repair is what leads to relationships standing the test of time.

When you practice repair – because it can be a practice, you also invest in your mental, emotional and physical health! Simply put (and a blog for another day), disconnection in relationship can lead to anxiety, trauma, increased cortisol (your stress hormone) and other really unfortunately struggles.

Humans are wired for connection.

When you reach out to reconnect, to repair and to look at your partner/friend in the eyes to do this, you’re practicing one of the hardest and most honouring things at the same time. You’re also implicitly communicating how much the other person and your relationship matters. This is important to you and to them.

If you find yourself in conflict, or you’re struggling to repair a rupture reach out to connect! I’d love to meet with you (or you and your significant other). Together we can begin to understand where your relationship gets stuck. I work with individuals and couples on relationships. I have received Gottman training (Levels 1 & 2) including trauma and affairs (which is an area of significant rupture).

Repair takes practice, courage and vulnerability.

I offer online and in-person appointments in the Langley area, and around BC. As a registered clinical counsellor, I am covered by most major extended health providers. (Please check your individual coverage!) I invite you to book a consultation or first session. I can offer same week appointments with no waitlist!