Communication in Your Relationship – The Softened Start-Up

Whether you’ve been with your favourite person for a month, a year, or decades the greatest desire I believe humans have is to feel safe, seen and connected. When you can experience this within your relationship and with your partner, I believe it is powerful. The other side of this, feeling disconnected and unseen are scary places to be. Communication (verbal and non-verbal!) is a significant part of this. You might wonder how some couples build healthy communication…what are they tools and strategies? The softened start-up is one of them.

A softened start-up doesn’t just mean your voice is gentle and calm.

Engaging in healthy communication is definitely about the verbal and the non-verbal interactions. Each are important factors in how you want to say and share what’s going on for you. The words you use specifically, matters. The way you use them specifically, matters. The phrase, (created and coined by the Gottmans) is one I hear often with clients in my Langley counselling office. Yet, there’s much more to it than staying calm in how you communicate.

The message that underlies a softened start-up is a need to be heard.

When you clarify that need and give it some language, you’ll start to find that within your relationship communication feels softer, more respectful and your needs (and those of your partner) are met. The more you experience this way of communicating, the easier (or less intimidating) harder conversations might become. When you can communicate in a way where both people feel heard and respected, those hard conversations do become a little easier. Often, when you speak, you’re sharing a need or longing. If you’re telling your partner they forgot about you again when they made the coffee that morning, I might wonder about the story behind that? Meaning, are you hurt or sad? Did you want to feel thought of? Healthy communication is often about more than “you didn’t make my coffee”.

Some straightforward ways to prepare yourself to step into a softened start-up:

• Take a deep breath before you open your mouth.
• Ask yourself what your need is. Frame it positively.
• Hold off on the aggression…even if you’re angry!

These are easy to say and in a calm moment, they’re easy to do. When you’re feeling big emotion or the experience you’re in with your partner is familiar, it’s so much harder. I like to invite my clients to be mindful that healthy communication, healing in a relationship and new ways of talking are partly habits. If you find you typically step into a conversation harshly, while your emotion isn’t invalid, it may also be a habit. It might also be what you saw modelled in your family of origin. That doesn’t mean healthy communication (or changing how you communicate) is impossible, it might just mean that it will take a little more intention. Some of these shifts in approach happen in the counselling space and this is a great, safe, calm way to practice.

The way a conversation starts is often the way it will end.

If you start with blame and criticism, that’s like how the conversation will end. If you can start softer, and hold back the blame you’ll likely leave the conversation feeling heard and possibly (hopefully!) validated. Softened start-ups are an area of focus when I work with couples.

When you think of approaching a potentially difficult conversation you want to begin with how you are experiencing it. This gives your partner an opportunity to get a glimpse into your world without feeling criticized or blamed. Starting a conversation on a softer note, typically results in ending it the same way.

You can start with a simple “I feel _________”.

Make sure you fill in that blank with an actual emotion. If you share that you feel like they are being unkind, you are blaming them. When you use the word “like”, you’re not sitting in the world of emotions anymore. This might be a hard practice, so slow down and take your time. You might even need an hour before you share how you are feeling, so you know you are honouring your own emotions.

How about, instead of sharing that you feel your partner is being unkind, you feel hurt or sad? When you express an emotion you are inviting your partner to hear what’s happening inside. They aren’t a mindreader so any explicit information is helpful to them.

When you feel you’ve communicated well what’s happening emotionally, you can shift into what you need. Stating this need positively is key! For example, sharing that you need a break, you need to cry, you need a hug, you need an hour to yourself…these are needs they can help you meet. They are stated positively.

When conversations are kind, respectful and objective couples are more able to stay away from criticism of any of the other Four Horsemen. This is crucial to a constructive conversation that can leave you feeling heard and understood. It takes time and practice. Using this tool in the context of couples counselling, is a great way to begin understanding how it works. While it can feel a little uncomfortable to be trying out a new way to communicate, it’s also a great place to start.

I offer complimentary phone consultations for both in-person and online appointments. You can ask questions during this consult, to decide if you feel we’d be a good fit support you either for individual or couples counselling in the Langley area.