Boundaries in Your Relationship

Whether your relationship is new or you’ve been with your favourite person for as long as you can remember, boundaries in your relationship are a crucial part of relational health. Boundaries are these invisible phenomena that help you to feel both safe and connected. While they may seem rigid in concept, or perhaps that’s been your lived experience, healthy boundaries are freedom giving. Briefly, let’s look at what they are.

A boundary is this space where you end and where your favourite person begins.

Meaning, when your boundaries are respected, you can be regulated, engage in a way where you’re honouring your values, and truly feel at ease to be yourself. Boundaries are a space where you can feel all your emotions but not feel dysregulated, unsafe (or uncomfortable) or judged for them. You can be curious to explore boundaries in all areas of life including: emotional, physical, time, financial, and so forth. I share more about boundaries, here.

Feeling safe within the context of your boundaries again means you can feel regulated (grounded and present), you can feel authentically yourself, and you make decisions from a place of freedom and openness. The Gottman’s have referred to boundaries as bridges to healthy connection, rather than walls as we might often consider them. A healthy boundary means you feel free to say yes to yourself, even when it means no to the other person involved.

Some ways to begin cultivating healthy boundaries might include noticing what’s working well within your relationship and what feels prickly or unhealthy.

The prickly parts could be leading you to stress, lost sleep, anxiety or any sort of discomfort. Practically, this could mean that it seems whenever you are out with friends and your spouse/partner calls you incessantly with questions or conversation that could wait.

Rather than trying to minimize your frustration or overlook your sense of disrespected boundary, reflect for a moment. Can you notice the boundary that’s not been honoured?

Clearly name what you need and be clear on communicating.

Stating a positive need is always better than stating a negative one. This could sound like a clear need for time with friends that is uninterrupted, rather than asking not to be called while you are out. While it might feel unnecessary to address the issue, if you’re going to begin feeling resentful or stew on this frustration, it’s best to communicate. Perhaps you offer an alternative time to chat or ask that they wait until you reach out – or are back home.

Starting with smaller things can feel less overwhelming. It also sets healthy patterns between you two from the start. If you’d like support in beginning to cultivate healthy boundaries, I invite you to reach out and connect!